...happy valentine's day: update

Medical Update:

Visited the doctor on Friday to discuss my situation. The MRI from Thursday, which was unbearably long, did not provide any new insight since the report had not yet come back. However, the doctor was able to view the scans of the lower GI, for which he said there was nothing that registered to him as “abnormal”. He did note that the Radiologist generally has a better eye for these things, and may see something when the final report is made? It’s possible that the tumors in the lower GI could be very very small, or, not there at all! If we’re lucky, the Cancer will not show up and be limited to the liver. If this were the case, it would be extremely rare… but hey, I’ll take it! I’m undergoing a 2 day OctreoScan starting Monday. This test should be more definitive with respect to “seeing” this type of cancer throughout my body. For more info about this kind of scan, click here.

With the above noted, the conversation with my doctor turned toward options for treating my liver Cancer. From the information we have right now, transplant is the best option. Resection of the liver is most likely not possible because there are too many tumors throughout the liver. According to the doctor, the chances of removing all the cancer is not too promising. Obviously, I’m not happy with the idea of transplant. But, if I do nothing, my prognosis is also not good… I will certainly die. Furthermore, Chemo and radiation may not get rid of the cancer in my case. It is not easy to get on “The List” for a liver transplant. Typically, you literally have to be on your “death bed” before they will give you a transplant…. And event then, you may not get one? Therefore, the best option for me is to find a live liver Donor. In this case, a small portion of a healthy living Donor’s liver (match), is put in the place of my diseased liver. In about 8 weeks, that donor piece will regenerate and grow in to a full sized liver. Weird right? But yes, also kind of cool. And, the Donor’s liver will also grow back to full size. There’s less than a 1% chance that the Donor will experience problems from the procedure. Of course, with the Donee, the success rates are variable. Chances for survival are quite good, but with anything else, there is a chance for failure, i.e. death. So, I’m not in love with the idea of getting a transplant! However, we are still not sure if I will be eligible for transplant if cancer is found elsewhere in the body? The primary Cancer would HAVE to be eradicated first. And even if eradicated, I’m not sure what the transplants options are? So, we’re crossing our fingers that this is primary liver cancer… wow, never thought I’d have to hope for primary liver Cancer!

Appointments:

I’ll be having my first meeting with the Oncologist on Thursday (02/19). Maybe they’ll have some other options? We’ll also be looking for treatment opinions from other doctors. We’re told that we should expect to start a treatment option by the end of March. I’ll probably put that off until the 2nd week of April? And if we’re trying to find a liver Donor, the process might take much longer? As noted prior, it’s a slower moving Cancer, but it is indeed on the move. So, we have to act as soon as possible.

Physical State:

Besides the Cancer, I still feel good and physically healthy. Occasional stomach pain, but nothing too bad? Still not sure if the stomach pain is from the gallbladder? And of course, every little ache of pain I get, I’m now convinced it’s Cancer?

Mental State:

Trying to stay positive, but must admit, a bit run down from doctor visits. They’re emotionally challenging. I’m at the hospital now 3-4 times a week, and fielding calls, researching information, etc. All of this is truly a vortex that sucks your positive energy. It’s hard not to be ANGRY to have to deal with this? I asked the doctor what I did to cause it… and he replied. “Nothing”. I have a hard time understanding that? How can this be random? I could understand if I were hit by a bus… car wreck, plane accident, or got AIDS, etc.? I can understand those things because we know their direct causes; we know their origin? If I were hit by a bus, well, I shouldn't have been J-walking, or the bus driver was an idiot? The plane goes down, well, birds hit the engine. AIDS? Well, maybe you shouldn't have had that drunken one-night stand without a condom? Even if I had liver Cancer from alcohol abuse? At least then I could blame my drinking? But no, this is none of those things… it’s just fucking random. It’s rare, and I’ve got it. I have always thought of myself as an antiquarian who enjoys rare finds. This is one rare find I did not want in my collection!

A few days back, a good Buddhist friend and I were talking about suffering. Yes, suffering exists… it “just is”, I get that. His insight was spectacular and much appreciated. Sure, the Universe is a cruel and unfair place… But for me, right now, “just is” isn’t good enough. I want more from life. I’m not scared about what comes after death, I don’t know what that is. But the thought of losing my wife, Andrea, not being able to kiss her everyday…leaving her alone, that terrifies me. And so, this being Valentine's Day, a holiday I never thought much for previously, I recognize that the love I have for Andrea is the only thing that gives me hope. She’s the only thing that keeps me going…