Short Order...?

"Short Order...?" Silver Gelatin Print: From the Collection: Photographer Unknown.

What can I say? I'm absolutely drained...! It's been a while since I've felt like this, but I'm burnt out! I've been working like a crazy man over the last few weeks... with the last weekend being the most brutal. On Saturday, I did a 21hr day, on my feet the whole time, which was proceeded by back to back 18hr work days, followed by very little sleep... I'm shocked that I'm still functioning in any capacity. Then again, I've always had a lot of energy. I've always been very good at accomplishing a lot, despite the physical and emotional drain. So, I'm still plugging away, but I really do need a break! Actually, what I need more help. I have a good crew of people who work with me, and Andrea is the best, but I need a full time assistant and/or clone? The main problem is finding the time to effectively manage everyone. It's not that easy! But hey, this is what it is to run a business, right? I could be complaining that I have nothing to do at all? So, I won't complain too much.

Sometimes, I look back on the day, the week, the months and wonder.... "What the fuck am I doing...?" Is this what I want for myself? What is the end? Where does this get me? Sure it pays the bills, helps me eat (when I actually have time to eat), but it doesn't necessarily "nourish" the soul. (If I believed in a soul... it's a metaphor....). Don't get me wrong, I love my work. But I don't love taxes... I surely don't love writing 100 emails a day, or doing contracts, and I absolutely hate "banking". Much of my work is just that, managing the business. The meat of what I love seems so thin at times? So, what is this all for right? If my time is, presumably, short on this earth... especially with the "Liver Clock" ticking, what should I focus on? There's SO MUCH that I want to do. Even before Cancer, I was always trying to cram 2 days into one. It sucks to care about things... It sucks to have creative lust, because ultimately, you have to recognize that you can't do it all... So where does that leave things? It's a struggle between doing what you love and obligation. -If only I could fully embrace Buddhism (it's a process).

When I first found out that I had Cancer, I thought well, I guess at least now I have a "Get out of Jail Free" card... that is, do what you want and live your life. Ahhh, well, I'm not dropping dead tomorrow (If I was I surely wouldn't have just paid my student loans). And as things start to settle back to some sense of "normal", you start to realize that there is no magic card. Even a terminal disease doesn't give you a pass. I still got shit to do... As some might say, "sleep when you're dead..." Ok, so noted. Moving forward.

Next week... next week, I'll get some rest.