on wisconsin...!

I'm not a religious person (at all).... but I love folk art and iconography. I hung these pieces at the highland house this weekend. Both are from thrift stores, of course!

We had some workers take up some of the flooring to do a plumbing repair, before we came up (long story). We found out that the main part of the house is one of the oldest homes built in Highland. There are layers of flooring built up, for which this was one... I wish it wasn't covered. I love this design! (Also, part of the house is built on unmilled log timber joists... very cool.)

UPDATE: The results of my recent MRI were not exactly what I wanted... it was what I had expected, but hoped would not be the case. My liver seems to be stable, which is the good news (i.e. tumors same size). However, the epicardial lymph node tumor, which became cause for concern in December, is very much progressive. From December to March, the tumor has increased in size from 0.9 x 1.6 to 2.4 x 2.9cm. Therefore, the node has nearly doubled in the span of 16 weeks (112 days to be exact). If we were to account for volume, we could say it potentially increased x3.* While the current size is not overwhelming, the recent growth factor indicates that this node (could) reach 7-9cm by the end of the year (assuming no intervention). To put this into perspective, that is about three inches, or, roughly the size of a plum. (Of course, this is mere speculation, since it could possibly stop growing...or, even increase exponentially - such is the nature of the disease.) But let's not forget, those cancer cells continue to spread throughout the body, finding new homes elsewhere to nest. A single tumor can have BILLIONS of cancer cells within it. And so, the question is, "what next...?" Well, the first step is acknowledging the truth. I have been living in absolute denial. While I often write candidly about my situation, I have been acting like a complete ass. Post surgery... -a surgery that most people awake from and find new beginnings... I awoke and decided to push myself into overdrive. I've gone from 2nd gear to 5th and run into the red. Surely, I have changed my diet a bit...but lapsed on numerous occasions. I pledged to live stress free and work less, but this also never came to fruition. Instead, I maxed my body to the extreme with 100hr work weeks, sleep deprivation, and constant work anxiety other compulsive tendencies. That is to say, in the last 11 months since my surgery, I have terrorized my body and mind. The evidence is of this is now very clear. -I have a progressive disease for which I have neglected to respond to. I have encouraged this disease with my lifestyle... and in that way, I am no better than the smoker who refuses to quit after lung cancer. I am addicted to stress... or work... or some combination thereof. I can also propose that this is a condition of denial? It's much easier to fill your time and mind with the constant chatter, instead of quiet reflection. Where does that leave me now? Well, it leaves me with few options but to either continue down the same path, or, make a radical change.

I feel good... I feel healthy... but I think the scans tell the real story. It's only a matter of time before this gets worse. Unless, of course... I SLOW DOWN and try to change my path. I have this vision, of me in hospice care with my wife at my side... at the age of 35, like a half-breathing corpse. I keep seeing this play out in my mind and the thought is gut-wrenching. It's not me that I feel bad for, but the absolute horror of putting my family through that slow agony. And for what reason? Because I could not stop working or take the time to care for myself? Frankly, I think that's selfish behavior. Nevertheless, I am indeed guilty. But enough I suppose, the damage is done thus far. My only real option is to change how I live with unwavering rigor. This will not be easy...

I have a meeting with my local oncologist on Tuesday. I'm also awaiting review of the recent scan from my doctor at Sloan. We will discuss chemo, but I think we may be able to push it off for another 3 months. I'm also have my appointment with the Block Center on the 11th, which now seems more important than ever. On a positive note, I took off the weekend with Andrea. We are currently at our house in Wisconsin. It's a nice way to decompress and actually relax. We did some driving around the country scouting for antiques. We hiked along the lake, napped, watched movies, and generally enjoyed a slower pace with each other. ( I might add as an aside, I'm very lucky to have such an amazing partner in life). For those who know me, this kind of slow living is very difficult for me. I quickly get fidgety and need to be on the move. Relaxation is not in my DNA... but cancer is. So, I guess I'll have to see if we can change that.

*Math and tumors: if we were looking at volume, we could assume the node is like an ellipsoid. The difference in disease growth was 0.9 x 1.6 to 2.4 x 2.9cm. For volume analysis, we need a 3rd dimension (axis). Because this is an unknown, we can use a constant (c- axis). For this exercise, I use 2.0cm as a constant. Formula (volume = Pi / 6 * (major axis* minor axis * vertical axis.) After running the numbers, we find that the volume of the node in December was 1.5 Cubic CM and in March, 7.3 Cubic CM. While the actual volume may vary because the real (c -axis) is unknown, it does not matter. We are interested in the increased percentage of volume growth. I'm not a radiologist, but I think this method makes sense because tumors are 3 dimensional, and therefore, it stands to reason that they should grow in 3 dimensions. While the scans show tumor growth nearly doubling, it could actually be much greater as proposed by this volume exercise.